so, I finaly found my journal, and i think I wrote about 8 pages in it, just to summarize the last 3 days. I had a really important talk with myself, and the conclusion is that I give up. I'm not gonna try to make people like me, and definitely not gonna try to make the other sex like me. I hate girls who is so dependent on what they think. They are just stupid with non existing self-confidence and awareness and I have always loaded them. I guess thats why I have hated my self so much this semester, and what good has it given me? I know this is one of those contribution on a blog that you (who ever u are) don't necessarily want to read, and you can choose to not to.
My lovelife (not just lovelife, my whole life, I have been kind of blunt, jaded, boring, unpleasant and mean, and that's not me) this spring has been through movies and stories. And friends. Bless my friends, but it's now time to stop being a hobby psychologist and abreact. It is just time. This city is dead to the world during summer, and I pretty glad it is, and it gives me some time to reload, and stop pity myself.
I always have had a fascination about how people see me, and expect me to behave, and that often depends on my look. I do not see myself as beautiful, pretty or sweet, years of bullying has prevented good thoughts to enter and I'm not your typical size zero, (kind of fat) and I'm to tall, how fun is it to be 6'0"??? All jeans/pants/jackets and jumpers are to short. Even a normal knee-length dress is like a mini on me.
My way to act: not show any laziness (the fat part), don't take up to much space (the tall and fat part), don't wear a dress or pants, it dosn't fit (well, maybe I should be walking around like the The Nightingale), I should wear make-up, and I nearly never does it and when I'm rude people get this big eyes and I get a scolding, don't take up any space! Alex, your always so nice, stop being bold... I do not fit in it the Swedish Jante - law! A really stupid off-the-record-law about how you should act:
- Do not think that you are something
- Do not think that you are as good as us
- Do not think that ypou are wiser than us
- You must not fool yourself to think that yoy are better tha us
- Do not think that you know more than us
- Do not think that you are superior to us
- Do not think that you are good at anything
- You must not laugh at us
- Do not think that someone cares about you
- Do not think that you can learn something
Bracing, isn't it?
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